I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
