He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
