When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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