I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
