I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
