she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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