Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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