So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
