i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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