I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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