1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
