Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
