it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
