As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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