Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
