I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
