Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nicole vs. Life
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
