Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
