I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
