Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
