My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
