There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
