bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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