He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
