i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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