Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
