You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
