I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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