i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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