Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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