I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
