I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
