He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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