And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
