I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
