the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
