This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
