shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
