Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
True strength comes from lack of pants
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
