Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
