I'm laying in your front yard are you home
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
