You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
