i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
