i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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