She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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