my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
