I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
