i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
