So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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