Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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